A Viral Menace to Society

[Editor’s Note: The following is the official transcript of an IRL (In Real Life) internet livestream which occurred on April 1, 2020. The entirety of the footage has been wiped clean from all Social Media platforms, and if any website has it uploaded for viewing, it is immediately taken down. Due to obvious legal reasons, not only has the name of the person filming the stream been changed, but the location of where it occurred in the United States will be left blank. I would like to thank the parents of the IRL Streamer who have given our publication permission to publish this transcript. They only had one condition: name their son “Idiot.”]

IDIOT: Hey, there mother******, it’s your good friend, ***** here. What’s up, playa’s? I’m just going to wait in my car here for everyone to arrive in the chatroom before I do this sh** here. 

(Idiot waits for about 10 minutes while listening to music on his car radio.)

IDIOT: Okay, we got a lot of people up in this chat. I see there’s just over two thousand of you here watching now. Cool. Okay then. This here I’m about to do is the great new internet challenge people have been doing since this stupid Covid lockdown started. The Old Normal Challenge. What it entails is simple, I go into the grocery store while livestreaming without wearing my mask, and ignore anyone who demands I put one on. And if anyone wants to donate some big coin, I’ve got my speaker on full blast, so whatever you put in the chatroom will be heard by everyone in the store. Now, come on and follow me. 

(Idiot gets out of his car. The camera faces him as he walks across the parking lot to the grocery store entrance. He passes through the automatic doors, and immediately starts walking up and down random aisles. The camera still faces him.)

IDIOT: (whispers into the camera) Well, well, I’ve walked by a few people — all wearing masks — and so far no one has said sh**. Looks like I’m going to have to up the ante in this bit**, and show you guys I got the cojonese. 

(Idiot gets near an old married couple browsing the frozen meat section. He edges himself as close as possible without them noticing, then fake-sneezes on the wife’s shoulder. The wife gasps in panic.)

HUSBAND: Hey, you f***er, don’t do that sh**. Where’s your damn mask?

IDIOT: My what? 

HUSBAND: Your mask, stupid. 

IDIOT: Mask? It isn’t Halloween, old-timer. 

HUSBAND: I’m getting a manager, you little bastard. 

(The old married couple walk away in great haste.)

IDIOT: (giggles, and whispers into the camera) That was fun. Come on guys donate, you can say some sh** when a worker gets to me. 

(Idiot moves down the aisle where the cereal is. Idiot then notices one of the managers coming toward him. He turns the camera to face the person.)

MANAGER: Sir, did you just sneeze on someone? 

(Idiot says nothing.)

MANAGER: Where is your mask, sir? You need to be wearing a mask. And you can’t be filming in the store with your phone. Not the whole time. Wait, are you doing that livestream crap? 

(Idiot says nothing. Then the speaker mounted on his shoulder sounds off a loud beep.) 

DONATOR: (in a robotic voice) Attention! C-FOUR has been successfully activated. Bomb countdown in ten seconds starting now!

(The Manager immediately turns and starts sprinting down the aisle.)

MANAGER: Everybody out! This crazy f*** with the backpack has got a f***ing bomb! Get to the nearest exit! NOW!

IDIOT: Holy sh**. Dude, I hope you donated a lot for that. I guess it’s time to leave. 

(Idiot starts walking to the front of the grocery store. When people see him they scream and sprint straight to the exit.) 

IDIOT: Man, if this place didn’t look empty before. Now it looks like the apocalypse just started ten days ago. I’d take some candy, but I don’t want to add theft to my conviction if I get arrested for this sh**. People, start donating for my bail money if I get cuffs on me. 

DONATOR: Here’s my two cents for your creativity.

IDIOT: Two pennies? I’m not asking for your thoughts. I know you gave more than that. Funny. 

(Idiot makes his way to the parking lot. He moves the camera around for his followers to see. It’s empty of people, but a male customer can be heard.) 

CUSTOMER: (distant) He just got out of the building, officer. He’s right there.

IDIOT: F***, a cop is already here. I’m gonna duck out of here. Where did I park the car? 

POLICE OFFICER: (distant) Stay where you are. Don’t move. 

IDIOT: Don’t worry, man, it was just a donation. My backpack just got my equipment for my live—

(The sound of gunfire from somewhere.) 

IDIOT: Hey, f***! I don’t got a bomb, you idiot. It was a donation! 

(Idiot ducks near a car.) 

IDIOT: Okay? It’s all fake. It’s just the Old Normal Challenge.

(More gunfire this time. Idiot takes off running to his car. Multiple more shots are fired at him.)

IDIOT: Sh**. F***. What the f***? Stop shooting! I don’t—

(More gunfire. Idiot makes it to his car, gets in, then starts engine.) 

IDIOT: Okay, everyone, looks like this is going to change into a straight up f***ing police chase. 

(Idiot begins driving through the parking lot. He removes the camera from the selfie stick and mounts it on a holder on the car’s dashboard. There’s distant gunfire heard outside over the sound of the roaring engine.)

IDIOT: Goddamnit, pig. Just don’t hit my tires. Okay, everyone start with the damn donations. Looks like not only for bail at this point, but a Johnnie Cochran lawyer. Probably a whole damn firm of them. How many of you are watching? 

DONATOR: Looks like almost twenty thousand watching.

IDIOT: All right, a new record. This’ll be worth it. Wow, more cop cars have shown up. 

(Sirens are blaring from outside the car as Idiot drives faster. The sound of tires screeching as Idiot attempts to maneuver through city streets.) 

IDIOT: Oh, f***. I could get out of this. It’s possible. But I could end up being a wanted man. So donate big time so I can be an on-the-run fugitive from the law. I can livestream from the woods — I got the equipment. Just don’t rat me out everyone, or you’d miss all the fun.

(There’s a crash so loud the sound is almost permanently lost, but is still good. The footage gets shaky, but miraculously the camera remains on the dashboard. The car was hit by a police cruiser from the side, which caused Idiot’s car to roll four times before landing on it’s wheels. Idiot is slumped out of frame for a moment, then his head rises. Blood is flowing out of his nose and mouth. He looks weak. He spits out some blood before speaking.)

IDIOT: Hope you guys enjoyed The Old Normal Challenge. 

(Idiot then passes out.)

DONATOR: Here’s 4.20 for your funeral. LOL.

An Early Midlife Crisis and The Angry Raccoon

As a good mother would ask their naughty son, "If everyone were jumping off a bridge, would you do it too?" I pondered this question the day after my 35th birthday and reminisced my father telling me at around 11 years old, "You can't make a living playing video games unless you make them as well." Wow, how times have changed in less than twenty-five years where I see young people becoming millionaires before hitting 20 years old before they can enter a bar and buy themselves a beer. I'm behind in the times, and I know it. If only the internet were what it is now when I was 15, my life would be different.

Is it jealousy? Honestly, yes. The thing is that by the time I got into my early 20's in the latter half of the early 2000s, I became a naughty child-adult, getting myself into using substances both legal and illegal (well, the illegal one is now legal in my state, but I digress) and partying like the world was going to end in one fine, painless flash. So my interest in playing video games dwindled into basic nothingness, and the fact that my Playstation 2 broke, and the original Xbox would no longer work soon after didn't help. The fact is, I gave up gaming before I even realized there were possibilities at making a living at it in front of an audience.

Two days after my 35th birthday, with a few beers in my belly, I decided to get my old Nintendo 64 out of storage in my father's garage. "Maybe I'll start one of those Twitch channels playing Super Mario 64," I thought. "Are kids these days even interested in watching a new old fart like me play it?" As I didn't bother answering these questions, I made my way to the garage's carport where my father housed the camping trailer. Behind it was a shelf he had built to house all the containers with all my various childhood goodies. I got a ladder that was hanging from the wall, stood it up, and took the steps to the shelf which had enough room on its surface for me to step onto it. As I stood bent over, moving the containers around, looking in each one to find where my Nintendo 64 was, I heard a growl. I said aloud, "Quiet, Bella," to my dog who I thought stood on the ground below looking up at my butt, wanting a treat. Then I heard another growl, and then an angry bark that kind of sounded like a pig. I immediately turned to yell at my precious Bella, but no one was there below. She wasn't around. The bark sounded again, but this time almost sounded like it came from a bear. It came from the corner of the shelf. I craned my head and saw what the sound was coming from: a fat, pregnant, angry Raccoon.

I was too drunk to panic. Too drunk to move at that moment. There are moments in our lives where it is better to be drunk than sober. If I were sober, I may have fallen off the shelf and broke my back, or screamed, moved fast towards the ladder, startling the nocturnal beast which may have caused her to bite me. But instead, all I felt like doing was playing my Nintendo 64 -- all I could think about was finding all the stars in Super Mario 64. So I simply said to the Angry Raccoon, "Look, I don't want any trouble, Little Bowser. Keep your little princesses, and have a wonderful family life. I just want to find my stars." I don't know why I used those words, but I do know the Angry Raccoon didn't attack me and let me go my way.